LIVE: kb

I used to think we would change the world

You & I

I would imagine your polite smile

Sweet enough even to caress her out of a corroded misery

Your discipline to lay tarry shingles

One by one, and maneuver a family 

from the wrath of “God’s Mighty Hand”

Your laughter as you paddled out 

to catch the biggest one the Gulf could muster

Your tenderness big enough to dream up conversations with the greats;

Hawthorne, Dickens, T.S. Elliot 

And my heart, so swollen with expectation, that its entire contents were nonsensical.

To think that my self-indulgent notions had already stitched together every solitary detail

and, I could barely hold my breath

But then, I spewed coffee, that wasn’t even hot, all over my new white blouse, after reading your  casual remarks

And so, I lingered there, in that moment,

until the dizzying spiral of the room subsided

And, with the impact of a 2 ton mass,

I understood that my heart must relent.

I wish that in the moments we find ourselves in the most profound of pain were not the moments that contained the deepest of inspiration.

Oh Lord unless you build this house, its builders will have toiled in vain.  Unless you watch over this city in vain the watchman stands on guard.  Look with mercy upon this company of your children that our labors may be crowned by your grace. Help us to be diligent in the disciplines of our calling,and to engage in them in the fear of the Lord which is the beginning of wisdom.  Bind us together through our common responsibilities and prevent, by your grace, the friction of sinful purpose from destroying the unity of the body of Christ.  Give us the spirit of forbearance for one another, teaching us to forgive one another, even as you also, in Christ, have forgiven us.  Help us to do the duty which each hour and day demands of us, but grant us grace also to have a vision of the constancy of your will, about the chances and changes of our mortal life.  Let us not be tempted by our tendency to evade the tasks you have given us to do, nor be tempted by our strengths, to estimate ourselves too highly.  Grant that our strength may be made perfect in our weakness and your mercy purify us. 

R Niebuhr

Today, I was reminded again of the BEAUTY of the gospel.  A Hatian man named Yvfdo visited my French class, and eagerly shared his story.  He called his entire life a testimony, one that is full of the promise that Christ will never leave us or forsake us. He shared pieces of his heart that were only fashioned because of the Lord’s sovereign pull on his life.  My heart was warmed anew to the gracious provision of the Lord.

I need, each moment of the day, to remind myself that my life is NOT mine own. I belong to a Father who is fully aware of the my most basic needs, and the small curvatures of my heart that even I myself am unaware.  Yvfdo’s story reminded me of this truth so brilliantly.

I am continually in thought (and prayer, though not quite as disciplined in this arena) about the country and people of France.  Yvfdo reminded us that a revolution is only manifest to begin with, in one single heart.  It is only by the Lord’s grace that I have been exposed to disparity that is so deeply entrenched in the French spiritual landscape. I do not claim to be able to change a country, nor that I am being called to this.  I do not perceive my cultural leanings and understandings to be far superior to those of possessed by French individuals.  I do know, however, that the Lord has pulled my heart.  He has given me such a love that at times I feel paralyzed.  I don’t know quite what this means, but someday, I am sure I will understand…

I can’t make you stop

I just want you to stop

Just

                     STOP.

I want you to crouch down in the trenches of my memories

…and linger there

Until I am softly rendered anew with the ebbing dawn

But I can’t

Because you won’t stop

And there is nothing I can do

And this is just the point.